So I'm dating a guy that's doing life in prison for homicide. I met him when I was a kid. I had the biggest crush on him. Big green eyes. Succulent lips that make you think of things you don't even know about when you're 9. The bad kid reputation... and I loved this kid (although he was 5 years older). He thought nothing of me because of my age. Years went by and we lost touch. his family moved. mine moved. We saw eachother from time to time. Apparently I was unattractive as a teen because he never approached me. I don't know. Anyhow, Earlier this year I told a relative of mine to give him my info so he could write me a letter. Well, he called. We started talking. He was in the hole at the time, so he had to call between 8 and 9 in the morning. I was awake waiting each morning. I thought the initial calls would be akward... that I wouldn't know what to say, but it turned out that we started talking as if we last saw eachother yesterday and were merely picking up a conversation.
I found that when he talked about another female I became slightly jealous... I also noticed that I wanted him to like me. I wanted something more than what I intially thought I was provoking. I developed feelings for him. I cared. I cried one night for hours about his being there, about how unfair it is that I love him and we cannot be together physically. I questioned whether we should just be friends, if I should quit talking to him altogether, or if I should continue what we were starting and build a relationship with him. Well, I had my ups and downs... went into the hospital and all that, so I was not able to write to him and of course he couldn't call me there. I wandered around from place to place... didn't have my phone.
eventually I found my way back to my family. It took a while for me to settle. I picked up some stationery and shit, which inspired me to write letters. I wrote to girls in prison first... and then I realized his birthday was coming, so I picked up a card and wrote a letter as well. I was unsure of if he would write back or call. Last Friday he called. He's not mad. He still loves me. We are still together. I look forward to his calls. I dream of him. I think of him often. What's crazy is that I have the idea in my head that I am going to be faithful to him. I am not going to sleep with other men. I am not going to engage in other relationships just because he is where he is and he wouldn't be able to find out. I don't want to do that to him. besides, after the life I have lived, I have no desire for sexual activity. I don't even masturbate anymore. I think though that if he and I had the right conversation, I might feel inclined to do so. but only he could provoke such a thing. He almost had me tonight. He was talking about the length of his hair and all I could think of was how a shaved head would feel between my thighs. I told him that and I think it did something to him. =) Naughty. So we said our good-nights... I told him I would not only be thinking of him, I would be dreaming of him as well. I might have to take a shower in the morning after "thinking" of him. I'm happy with the love that we share. It makes me happy to know that I make a HUGE difference in his life. I give him something to look forward to. I give him a reason to behave. I give him a sense of affection and hope. Hope that just because he's incarcerated he can still be loved by someone. and I am an attractive someone. I'm attentive. I'm kind. I'm loving. I'm super-naughty in letters and I think he'll love that when he gets one of those letters.
I wanted to write about this because it's about the most interesting thing I have going on right now.
Methadone is going well. I haven't used since I started. I will only have to go to the clinic M-F starting in a few weeks. Which is nice, I will get my Saturday and Sunday doses on Friday. I have also received clearance to go on a vacation with my family soon. Attendance and clean UA's count towards whether or not you can have more than 2 take-out doses at a time. I'm happy.
Some people look down on Methadone. They say that it's not actually recovery if you're on the program. I don't let that bother me. It's an opinion and everyone has one of those. Hey, I'm not using street drugs, so leave me the fuck ALONE.
WAIT! THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU... -Yeah Yeah Yeahs- MAPS
My kinds your kind
I'll stay the same
pack up but don't stray
oh say say say
oh say say say
they don't love you
like I love you
they don't love you
like I love you...
(ROCKS THE FUCK OUT IN DARK DINING ROOM)