St Valentines Day 09


from my dumb mouth

to your deaf ear...

My kinds your kind/ I'll stay the same...
St Valentines Day 09
So I'm dating a guy that's doing life in prison for homicide. I met him when I was a kid. I had the biggest crush on him. Big green eyes. Succulent lips that make you think of things you don't even know about when you're 9. The bad kid reputation... and I loved this kid (although he was 5 years older). He thought nothing of me because of my age. Years went by and we lost touch. his family moved. mine moved. We saw eachother from time to time. Apparently I was unattractive as a teen because he never approached me. I don't know. Anyhow, Earlier this year I told a relative of mine to give him my info so he could write me a letter. Well, he called. We started talking. He was in the hole at the time, so he had to call between 8 and 9 in the morning. I was awake waiting each morning. I thought the initial calls would be akward... that I wouldn't know what to say, but it turned out that we started talking as if we last saw eachother yesterday and were merely picking up a conversation.

I found that when he talked about another female I became slightly jealous... I also noticed that I wanted him to like me. I wanted something more than what I intially thought I was provoking. I developed feelings for him. I cared. I cried one night for hours about his being there, about how unfair it is that I love him and we cannot be together physically. I questioned whether we should just be friends, if I should quit talking to him altogether, or if I should continue what we were starting and build a relationship with him. Well, I had my ups and downs... went into the hospital and all that, so I was not able to write to him and of course he couldn't call me there. I wandered around from place to place... didn't have my phone.

eventually I found my way back to my family. It took a while for me to settle. I picked up some stationery and shit, which inspired me to write letters. I wrote to girls in prison first... and then I realized his birthday was coming, so I picked up a card and wrote a letter as well. I was unsure of if he would write back or call. Last Friday he called. He's not mad. He still loves me. We are still together. I look forward to his calls. I dream of him. I think of him often. What's crazy is that I have the idea in my head that I am going to be faithful to him. I am not going to sleep with other men. I am not going to engage in other relationships just because he is where he is and he wouldn't be able to find out. I don't want to do that to him. besides, after the life I have lived, I have no desire for sexual activity. I don't even masturbate anymore. I think though that if he and I had the right conversation, I might feel inclined to do so. but only he could provoke such a thing. He almost had me tonight. He was talking about the length of his hair and all I could think of was how a shaved head would feel between my thighs. I told him that and I think it did something to him. =) Naughty. So we said our good-nights... I told him I would not only be thinking of him, I would be dreaming of him as well. I might have to take a shower in the morning after "thinking" of him. I'm happy with the love that we share. It makes me happy to know that I make a HUGE difference in his life. I give him something to look forward to. I give him a reason to behave. I give him a sense of affection and hope. Hope that just because he's incarcerated he can still be loved by someone. and I am an attractive someone. I'm attentive. I'm kind. I'm loving. I'm super-naughty in letters and I think he'll love that when he gets one of those letters.

I wanted to write about this because it's about the most interesting thing I have going on right now.

Methadone is going well. I haven't used since I started. I will only have to go to the clinic M-F starting in a few weeks. Which is nice, I will get my Saturday and Sunday doses on Friday. I have also received clearance to go on a vacation with my family soon. Attendance and clean UA's count towards whether or not you can have more than 2 take-out doses at a time. I'm happy.

Some people look down on Methadone. They say that it's not actually recovery if you're on the program. I don't let that bother me. It's an opinion and everyone has one of those. Hey, I'm not using street drugs, so leave me the fuck ALONE.


My kinds your kind
I'll stay the same
pack up but don't stray
oh say say say
oh say say say

they don't love you
like I love you

they don't love you
like I love you...


Look me in the eye and tell me that you're satisfied.
St Valentines Day 09
I turned 26 on May 6th and came down with a cold immediately. Oh it sucked badly. I was totally ill for about the last 2 weeks solid.

My birthday was great though. On the actual day I started working. It wasn't very pleasant that day though. I met this guy that told me he could give me a job. So he called and I got ready and he came to get me and we left. The job was a route delivering phonebooks door to door. I went with and he seemed very nice and stuff. As the day progressed he started making sexual innuendos about the two of us and said, "It's your birthday, you should let me fuck you when we're done working." I'm like, "Um.. probably...NOT." He said other things also. He became impatient with me once he realized I wasn't interested in his advances. He said things doubting my capability to do the work we were out doing, yet I was the one that had the ideas for how to make the process go easier, more efficient and fast. He was putting the bags together as he went. I suggested that we put the three books in bags before we started on each block. I suggested that he do one side and I do the other. I suggested these things to avoid having to be near him also.. I think he may have realized that.. so he made fucked up comments about my ideas. At the end of the day we went to where the station is. He dropped me off and I came into the house and pretended the day wasn't horrible. My mom could sense though that I was unhappy.

The next day when she was bringing me to the clinic she was saying something about needing someone to be home to get deliveries from the UPS man. I said I would be home and she asked why I wasn't going to work. I told her I just didn't want to work with the guy and I told her all about it. So she said, "FUCK HIM, You can have that job without him. I'll let you use my vehicle if need be." So I went to the station, applied, did orientation and the next day I started my route. =-) then I became horribly ill that weekend.

Things have been going well though. There have been a few close calls where I wanted to get high.. but haven't given in to temptation. I'm patting myself on the back as I type.

Oh, and something else happened. I was on the bus last week and ran into an old friend. He just came back from St. Louis like about 3 weeks ago. He's clean too. He's in need of a place to stay until he gets an apartment and the best I can offer is letting him stay in the camper in my driveway. There's no way I would have him sleep in my house. I don't know how well he's doing yet. I don't let anyone just sleep in my house. hell, there's times when I don't trust MYSELF to sleep in this house. when I'm feeling like getting high, I question whether I should chain myself to the garage. =-/ I will hang out with Chris though and see how it goes. I did miss him. I haven't talked to him since 07. I've seen him twice since he's been back. Ran into him yesterday when I was taking my niece to the DMV to take her permit test.

anyhow.. things are going alright at the moment. I'm happy. I saw my psychologist yesterday and she gave me some Neurontin.. I LOVE that shit. it makes me feel GREAT. My mom is already saying shit about it. "Don't take too much of that shit like you did last summer". I would take like 8 pills at a time and go ride my bike for 5 hours to escape being in the house with her and her miserable sister. thank god that sister no longer lives with us, AND my uncle had to vacate our house also. He left last week. He was doing nothing but taking up space, stinking up our bathroom, smoking cigarette butts out of our ashtrays and expecting us to NOT empty the ashtrays or to pull the butts out and put them in a baggie on the fridge for him. He would get mad that we wouldn't invite him to the casino with us, wouldn't buy him cigs anymore. He would get mad that the kids would complain about him taking over on their rooms or take over on the television and he CONSTANTLY SNITCHED on anyone he could. He even went to the point of accusing me of using drugs BECAUSE I WAS CLEANING THE KITCHEN FOR MY MOM. He got me so mad with that shit that I finally said something to him and he didn't like that. My mom told him he couldn't be here anymore. Our house is full enough with those of us that BELONG HERE. It's nice to NOT have him sitting around in a robe with houseshoes on while mom and I clean and go out taking care of business. It's nice to have all his junk out of our sunroom and be able to sit in there without him thinking I'm trying to dig in something of his. (sighs) it's just NICE.

I'm sleepy now. Cannot see straight. Neurontin got me feeling HELLAGOOD. =)

I've been sleeping so strange at night/ side effects they don't advertise...
St Valentines Day 09
I'm at Mystic Lake Casino/Hotel. Spending 2 nights out here with my family to celebrate my birthday.

fuck, my Methadone has me nodding like a motherfucker. I'm gonna attempt to take a nap before I go back to the pool. We have to take a shuttle from the hotel to the fitness club across the street because the bigger, better pool is over there. waterslides, a beachlike pool that starts out like a shore and goes to 8 ft.

I'm glad to be with my family though. The last 2 years I wasn't with my family. I was unhappy, that's all I can say. This year I have a lot to be thankful for.

1. I live with my family (including my 2 daughters) in a lovely house.
2. I'm mostly sober but feel really good. (Methadone is prescribed)
3. I am celebrating at the place I love. (Casino/Hotel)
4. I am healthy for the most part.
5. I get a cake, cards, gifts, money etc...
6. I have no legal problems.
7. I'm not in a dysfunctional, unhealty relationship.

I could go on a few more things, but that's enough to give you an idea of how I feel about my birthday this year. I'm turning 26 and I'm pretty stoked. I'm glad that I'm not turning 30 or any older. It gives me relief knowing that I'm still young and my life isn't in complete chaos and the few issues that I do have are still able to be resolved. I am dealing with my addiction by taking Methadone. I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't on this shit I would be doing something and probably to excess. I don't have the constant craving or the irritability that I had before I started Methadone. I feel more comfortable with day-to-day life. I'm more energetic and my mentality has even improved.

I've been thinking about going to A.A. meetings... but am having a unspoken debate about whether it's a good idea or not. Would I really be considered sober. I guess there's really not much to question. in my mind, I am sober. I am not sticking needles in my arm or pipes in my mouth. Therefore, I am sober.

I don't know. I just felt like posting since it is relatively quiet in my hotel room. My daughter Ruby is taking a nap on the bed next to mine and Lily is laying beside me in this bed watching cartoons. I am feeling good today. We went swimming earlier and we're going back after 3 when the waterslide opens up. =) I'm looking forward to it. This Casino/Hotel rocks. =)

when you change with every new day/ still I'm gonna miss you...
St Valentines Day 09
Today was mostly a blur. I had to go to the clinic before 10:30 a.m. That wouldn't have been a problem had I not been out at the casino until 5 a.m. I tried to stay awake, but once I was stretched out on the couch with a blanket I was lights out. Luckily, my mother offered to bring me down there so I didn't have to go get on the city bus. I thought I would go back to sleep when I got home.. but I didn't. I have been nodding in and out all day, but haven't actually slept. I feel good again. But this good feeling is the best I have had in a long time because I'm not doing it illegally and I'm not hiding anything from my family. I'm doing it the right way.

I made dinner a little while ago. I made it late because my niece's boyfriend had a basketball game, so I waited until about an hour before he was due to arrive to start cooking. Dinner was REALLY good. I invited him over because they had a fight earlier and I was trying to help the two of them. I wanted him to know that I care what happens to the two of them and that I wanted to spend time with them. We ate and watched a movie... and he went home. Gianna is laying on the couch sleeping. She'll curl up on the couch by me until I'm ready to go to sleep. She doesn't like sleeping in her room alone, so she always asks someone to sleep with her.. and if nobody will sleep in her room, she'll sleep wherever someone is. I don't mind. I like her bed and I like having someone to watch t.v/movies with at night.

I'm feeling good. =-) just wanted to write a little something before I crash.

no time to think of consequence...
St Valentines Day 09
My bestfriend's name is Nephi. He's 26, lives in Dinkytown, Mpls. Near the University of Minnesota. He's a great guy. I have known him since 2005. He is single... he uses once in a while.. but not regularly and he's not particularly found of IV use. He's mostly a pot-smoker and once-and-a-while-drinker. He's been there for me through most of the past 4 years. Minus about 2 of them in which he had no idea where I was. Thank God he has managed to keep the same phone number. We've been hanging regularly since last summer when I called him out of the blue.

anyways. Nephi has now been introduced. I went to his house last night and we hung out. Walked around and smoked a joint. sat on the porch and smoked cigs. identified pills I had been given by various people/friends. I hung out for a few hours and WAS GOING to spend the night... but realized there was no way I would get up and to the clinic by 7. so I walked downtown and my niece met me and we rode the bus home.

I managed to get up at 6:06 this morning and threw myself together and out the door by 6:28. I was 10 minutes late... but that was okay. I did the whole intake evaluation... medical screening and at about 9:45 or so, I got my first dose of Methadone. I had to start at a low dose... but on Friday I can go up 5 mg. I feel ok. but hey, I feel better than I did when I was sitting there answering all those questions. I was so agitated and my back was killing me.

I have another doctor appointment this afternoon. I'm hoping to get some percoset or dilaudid. I have kidney stones right now... so they keep me with something. and now that I'm on methadone... they will have to increase the strength of any narcotic in order for it to serve it's purpose. yay.

I'm feeling more optimistic. accomplished. My next move is to see the Psychiatrist that they send me to. and get this, I'm going to get HELP... not to shop for pills. I really want to have better mental health. I want to some day NOT be an active drug user. I want to some day say, "Yeah, I've been clean for 10 years.." I know I'm making progress when I start to dream of sobriety.

I'm going to make an honest effort to NOT use crack or anything. I want to just be on Methadone and whatever pain medication I am administered. no more buying or trading.

I'm starting to feel good from the Methadone. =) I think I'll go find something to eat. I have to leave in 2 1/2 hours. back downtown. =)

good day. good day. and it's nice out as well. that makes it all the more enjoyable/tolerable.

I'll move to Paris/ shoot some heroin/ and fuck with the stars...
St Valentines Day 09
I start the Methadone program tomorrow. I went in a few weeks ago and found out that was just to make an intitial visit and set up the intake evaluation. that's tomorrow. I haven't actually done any H in so long that I can't remember when it was. But I miss it. I long for it. I'm miserable right now.

yesterday I left with my brother-in-law after an argument with his daughter. We walked down the street and were headed to my friend Ed's to get some pot... while walking a guy drove by a few times checking me out. My brother-in-law asked, "Cookie, you know him?" I laughed and said, "Well, if he drives by 2 more times... I do.. and you better wait for me." He did just as I said he would. He drove up and pretended to know me. I went along with it and got into the car with him. We went to his bank and he got some cash. We then drove around a high police traffic area and he lifted his shirt and asked me to play with his nipples. Okay weirdo... It's one thing to play with my own... or a female's, but I've always found this request to be odd. This wasn't the first time. I did that for about 10 minutes... he played with himself and got to where he wanted to be. He dropped me off back where I got in and my brother-in-law was gone. Just as well..because I would have felt akward brining him to Ed's and having him potentially see me smoke crack. Which is exactly what I did. Only thing about Ed is that he likes me, always tries to convince me to move in and be his girlfriend. IT wouldn't be so bad if he kept a clean house, took showers and didn't drink/smoke and act stupid EVERYDAY. For Christ's sake.. he used to sell drugs to my parents back in their heyday.. are you serious? so I smoked my shit and talked myself into coming home before I made a stupid decision to chase after more drugs. I walked home and was kind of antsy at first... but finally settled in and accepted that I wasn't getting high anymore. at least not at the moment. I watched a movie and went to sleep around 1 a.m.

tomorrow the Methadone clinic... I hope they dose me on the spot. I'll jump in front of a syringe full of heroin and provoke it if I don't get dosed. I'll zero in on some heroin one last time if I can get some. the Mexicans that sell the shit here are so sketchy now and I've had problems with them... because I wouldn't sleep with them. at one time one of them threatened to NOT sell me the shit if I didn't give him head. Dude, I'm fucking dopesick... I can't breathe through my nose while sucking your dick if my nose is running. and if I'm gonna do that, I'm not about to PAY for it as well. So I quit fucking with the Mexicans. now I go through other people. which sucks.

I can't wait for this shit to be over... but I won't stop smoking crack until I'm damn good and ready to. that's just that.


welcome to 2009
St Valentines Day 09

I'm starting a new journal because I don't want to hold myself to the same standards as the ones I had in place before. I don't want certain people I associated with to learn of my downfalls and mistakes. I'd much rather start a new journal on here and simply move on. Accept the changes I have made, the challenges I have taken on and the struggles I currently face.

everyday I wake up and wish I was high. When I'm not, it's very disappointing. When I am high, I can take on anything. even 10 loads of laundry and traveling downtown to be told that I have yet another 3 weeks to wait to start the Methadone program. Hikes. I almost wanted to jump in front of a bus when the guy told me that. It was cold that day and I was unwell... I was counting on dosing that day... to not be dosed was equivalent to being handed a cup of the fucking flu and no remedy... but a startling reminder that all I had to do was pick up some dope to get WELL..

a friend of mine was sick a few weeks ago and he knew I was holding... he kept calling me, telling me how he was trying to get well.... so I sent him a card from the local drugstore that said, "GET WELL SOON." and inside I wrote, "Sorry you're so unwell lately... get well soon and give me a call." he called 3 days later, when I answered he said, "Fuck You, Camielle"... and hung up. no more calls from him trying to manipulate me into getting him high for free when I go out of my mind making money to support my own fucking habit.

why don't you strap on a 9-incher, give it to a guy thats paralyzed and all the while pretend you don't want to laugh, cry and throw up at the same time... and all for fucking 80 bucks...
the things we do for instant gratification.

I hate waiting.


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